thoughts of a butterfly

Monday, September 27, 2004

Thoughts from a virus Val

Monday 27th September 2004-Have just come back from body boarding in Cornwall. But I didn't really body board too much a) because I didn't quite get the hang of it and b)cos I got really ill and shivery and pain in my throat and ears and mouth ulcers and they called me 'Virus Val'. It was a cool time tho because a) I went with sista and Kenny they are fun, non-couply, interesting and talkative b) I met some cool people...Becky: a dude who's interesting, creative, caring. Marius: a photographer. Andy: very amusing and cracked me up for example, by asking a group of surf dudes about 'riding the waves' and 'wafers' (You had to be there to laugh) c) It was just fun. The downside was having a virus meant that I slept more than normal.But luckily there was a pub near to boarding and so I could sit in there, drink bear (altho I dont drink beer I drink coke or orange but drinking beer sounds more surfing-dude like) and fall asleep..and I could also go and watch the boarding. I am now at my sisters and kennys in bedford...I decided I was too ill to drive back and teach tomorrow however I have a feeling I'll be much better by tomorrow and could've easily taught.Oops. I now feel like a slacker. At least It means I have more time with sister and also I am reading the bible as I lie on the sofa which is darn good for me as I am still trying to work out what I believe.It is also a scarey position to be I am thinking am i gonna decide I don't believe?? Help..I don't even get hell and I've been a christian for so long supposedly. I have also been thinking that I am a too negative person who responds negatively in slightly stretching circumstances.I don't like it. Oops that was negative in itself. What I could have thought is that it is positive that I atleast recognise I'm negative as I can retrain myself to be a more positive person. Apoplogies for the entries I've written in this blog that are very negative and tend to look at life in a negative way. Any tips for adopting more positive ways of seeing life? Love virus Valxx

Sunday, September 19, 2004

thoughts of someone who is tired

19th September: Went to church tonight which was good for me. Not really listening to the talk but just being real with God and also being prayed for. It made me feel loads lighter. I think perhaps, although I cant be sure as I am going through an uncertain stage, that God encouraged me to read the whole bible. I think this will help me in my journey. I was thinking that I do have a passion to tell people that God can redeem and heal the shit in their lives but I would like to know what god is saying to them and the bible will be helpful of course. I know I've done biblical studies and also heard loads and loads of preachers but my concentraion span is that bad that I dont recall alot of it. I am also thinking that I miss people that arent in my life anymore and wondering about that.
Hmmm I think my thoughts are a bit all over the place right now.I am quite flipping tired physically, emotionally and spiritually. I think sleep is a good idea. But I do think it's so crazy that we spend 8 hours of everyday in unconciousness and dreaming things that often don't make sense. On that note goodnight and sorry for this crap. Love Val.

more thoughts

18th September: I wrote an entry last night and it has disappeared. Gutted. Therefore, this entry will include thoughts from last night and tonight. Went to the Ball last night with Andy, Kate, Nikki B and Helen (PGCE friend who is like a blessing to me). I loved this time as I love listening to people makes me high. I played pool against Helen and then Kate took over from Helen. It lasted 55 minutes in all. It was quite an interesting game that often involved hitting the wrong ball, hitting the white ball into the pocket and not often hitting the right coloured balls into the pockets. On the way home I was thinking that I get high from being with people but the down side is I get low when I am alone. That is why I think having a husband would be like a blessing. I know I will never walk alone.. but to have someone who is human that I could talk to whenever would be rather flipping nice and would kill the loneliness. I wonder if I have missed out. Maybe it is my own fault and the fault of fear. I am not sure on this one at all and I wish it was clear. Too personal I think. I was also thinking that change evokes fear in me. I will have two new house mates in a days time. This kind of change takes so much out of me and does my head in. But I’m sure it will grow me more into the butterfly that God intended me to be.
Tonight I went to the Ball with Helen, Alex, Beely and Carhul. I loved this time too because it made me laugh. I also liked hearing people’s thoughts trying to make sense of life. I was thinking in the pub that my faith feels quite unstable at the moment and instead of feeling sure about God I don’t. I can’t really explain it. Maybe I am on a ‘Val and God’ time when I have to work out on my own what I think and believe because I often go with what others think. I need to trust me more. Or what do I need to do to feel more sure of my faith?... I’m not too sure.
Lastly, I am thinking that I want to bless other people and to pray for them and to give out instead of getting and being self focused which is my natural disposition darn it. I think it would be a lot better. I have lots of other thoughts too. Too many I think. Love val.

Interesting thoughts.

Darn in the head. I have had to create a new blog as I forgot my user name and password of the other one. So I'll just copy and paste stuff I had written but the comments won't be there anymore.

Ruddy heck I have created a blog. I think I'll use it to write down some of the thoughts that go on in my head and it would be cool to have other people's responses a) because sometimes people say I think in an random/ confusing way and I'd like to know if that is true and b) because it is good to hear other people's points of view other than my accountability partners.
15th Sep: I'm in Toulouse with Julie [French girl who came to Sheffield for a year]. I love this girl..I think it is because she is a bit ginger like me, creative and Jesusish.I love this time because I have been speaking french, doing excercise, overcoming my fear of art because I went to an art galery and liked it.But I have a long way to go before I dont get freaked out by instillation art etc. Help me please god.My time here has been like a little adventure.I got stung by a jelly fish and swam back to shore shouting "Jesus, please dont let me die" because I once heard a man speak who got stung by a jelly fish, died, went to heaven and came back..and so I thought everyone who gets stung by a jelly fish is not so as I am still alive. Other little adventures include cycling along the canal with a puncture, speaking interesting french to the french people such as asking children if they like tortoises etc.What else have I been thinking? I really really want to bless other people, I want to pray for people who are having shit in their lives and are broken hearted.Do it Lord. For too long I have often felt like a victim just because I get depressed and have mucked up in relationships and stuff like that.But I'm not a victim. I'm a strong woman and want to look out for other people.I've also been thinking that I care what other people think of me. But I wont go into that as it is too personal and I dont want people judjing me. There we go I am scared what people think.Those are my thoughts for this morning. Are they a bit odd or quite nomal? Love valxx