more thoughts

18th September: I wrote an entry last night and it has disappeared. Gutted. Therefore, this entry will include thoughts from last night and tonight. Went to the Ball last night with Andy, Kate, Nikki B and Helen (PGCE friend who is like a blessing to me). I loved this time as I love listening to people talk..it makes me high. I played pool against Helen and then Kate took over from Helen. It lasted 55 minutes in all. It was quite an interesting game that often involved hitting the wrong ball, hitting the white ball into the pocket and not often hitting the right coloured balls into the pockets. On the way home I was thinking that I get high from being with people but the down side is I get low when I am alone. That is why I think having a husband would be like a blessing. I know I will never walk alone.. but to have someone who is human that I could talk to whenever would be rather flipping nice and would kill the loneliness. I wonder if I have missed out. Maybe it is my own fault and the fault of fear. I am not sure on this one at all and I wish it was clear. Too personal I think. I was also thinking that change evokes fear in me. I will have two new house mates in a days time. This kind of change takes so much out of me and does my head in. But I’m sure it will grow me more into the butterfly that God intended me to be.
Tonight I went to the Ball with Helen, Alex, Beely and Carhul. I loved this time too because it made me laugh. I also liked hearing people’s thoughts trying to make sense of life. I was thinking in the pub that my faith feels quite unstable at the moment and instead of feeling sure about God I don’t. I can’t really explain it. Maybe I am on a ‘Val and God’ time when I have to work out on my own what I think and believe because I often go with what others think. I need to trust me more. Or what do I need to do to feel more sure of my faith?... I’m not too sure.
Lastly, I am thinking that I want to bless other people and to pray for them and to give out instead of getting and being self focused which is my natural disposition darn it. I think it would be a lot better. I have lots of other thoughts too. Too many I think. Love val.